I want to break free
I want everyone to know right now that I love my family dearly. We have been through so very much together and I definitely would NOT be the woman I am today without everything I have gone through because of and with them. But there comes a time when people have to let go of the things that they feel obligated to because they hurt more than anything else. It’s not healthy.
My family doesn’t try to hurt me. They just don’t take care of themselves and, well, I try to fix it all because they tell me they need me to. It’s what my life has been up to this point. It’s what they expect of me.
There was a brief time where things started to change to the proper order. But it was only while I was a mess in Virginia, for those three months, that I got to be the daughter and not the mother/therapist for once in my life (to at least one side of my family anyway). Now things are back to the way they were. Only now, they’re taking things to a level I didn’t think they’d ever reach. I’m in a better place in almost every way but there’s always something that someone “needs” from me because they can’t/won’t do it for themselves. It’s like, when I have an ounce, they need a pound and expect me to be able to provide that.
I don’t understand how people can hurt others as easily as they do. Especially those they claim to love. And I’m not talking about anyone hurting me. I’m talking about the things they do to each other. I don’t know why people feel the need to manipulate, scheme, steal, tear down, break up relationships, deny others of love, or any other such sadistic things to those around them. Maybe I’m just too naive. I know that I have all of that pulsing through my veins. There are times when I feel it would be so easy just to be mean and get what I want right now. There are times that I think of things to say that could really cut someone to the core. There are times where I just want to slap someone to have them feel what they’re doing to me. It makes me feel so awful when I think that way. And it worries me because I know how powerful thoughts can be. They turn into actions so quickly. I’m just a human after all.
I am, however, so grateful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with the self control and logic that I have that I am able to keep myself in check most of the time and realize a lot of the consequences of my actions before I do anything too hastily.
But I have to ask, is it bad of me that all I want is a family of my own? A family where love abounds and is unconditional? I don’t expect perfection. I expect things to be hard and to have trials, but I also expect to have someone who will listen to me as much as I listen to them. I expect to hold someone and to be held. I expect to be a shoulder for someone to cry on and to be willing to let me cry too. I’m so tired of always being strong and not being able to have any peace of my own. I’m so tired of apologizing and feeling ridiculous for crying. I’m so tired of having to be the comforter when I need to be comforted. And I’m tired of feeling selfish for wanting my needs to be met.
I just want to break free from the pain and illness that I feel because of the guilt that courses through me because I’m too weak and unable to do what my family is requiring of me to do.
But I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I have it in me to just let them go and learn for themselves.
It isn’t bad to ask, and want to have a loving family of your own…
It doesn’t always work out that way though. Just like with your family, no matter how much love you show and how much you try it doesn’t guarantee the outcome that you want. I know that you know this already. I just… I know what it is to long for that happiness and to not have it. I’ve been there many times too – wanting someone to listen to me pour my heart out and to be there for them to do the same… I want someone to hold me… someone to hold. I know it gets tiring – trying to be strong on your own. One thing I want you to know is that you NEVER have to apologize for crying – EVER! You come cry to me anytime you need. Don’t feel selfish for wanting things that you should have. I know you will have those things, and I wonder why you don’t already have them too. I just know that God has a plan for you. That is the only answer I have for you or me. There is a plan, and He knows it. You were not put on this earth to save your family. That is not how a family is supposed to operate. You are the child. Don’t let them make you feel guilty for wanting to be the child/sister. You are out there in California. You have to let your family make their own mistakes. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. Love you!
I agree with Liz. I don’t know the details of your situation, but consider that perhaps you are living further away from your family for a reason. And you may be surprised to know just how many people have the same wishes, or at least similar ones. Doesn’t make it any less painful, but sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone and that your feelings are normal.
Even though life can be a lonely burden to deal with on your own, you are strong enough to handle anything that comes your way. Remember that Heavenly Father knows your name, your circumstances, your desires, and your needs. He has a specific timetable for you, which is determined by His infinite omniscience. When the time is right, He will bless you with the things you need and hope for. Waiting for that day patiently can be agony though. So turn to Him with your cries and He will comfort you and bless you with patience to endure. Your trials will be for your good.
Love you!!!
I think you need to tell your family that they cannot depend on you to solve all their problems. Honestly tell them how much it is hurting you and that you need to separate yourself from the situation. And don’t let them guilt you into doing anything. You need to take care of yourself first. You are not responsible for them. They are adults and can take care of themselves even if they don’t think so. Really it would be better for them in the long run to learn how to solve their own problems so you are actually helping them by not helping them.
I love you so much. I’m sorry that you are hurting. You shouldn’t feel bad about wanting a family of your own or wanting someone to listen to you for a change. I know I’m not as good as having a loving husband to talk to but you can always call/email me and cry on my shoulder. Hang in there.
Love you!
Thank you Ladies!
You all have brought up some very valid points. The hard thing for me is to be able to take a step back from them because it’s what I’ve done for so long. But it’s something that has to be done. Done for my well being and for their growth.
Thank you all for the reminders of yours and Heavenly Father’s love for me. It means the world to me. I am so very blessed with the best people a person could ever hope to know. I love you too!!